When your first love wants to catch up after years apart

Is this a trap?

Adulting in your 30s

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It all seems innocent enough. They saw from Instagram that I was back in town to visit my family.

They had moved back to town recently.

Would I like to meet for bubble tea?

Why not, I thought.

But, somehow, as the moment of reunion approaches, something feels off.

My gut tells me this is not a good use of my time.

What is there to say? What is the point? We’re friendly but not friends anymore.

The times when we have seen each other in the past years…well, to be honest, I always felt they were still trying to rekindle lost flame.

My first serious relationship

We were together for almost five years. That is a long ass time.

Were they my first love? I really can’t say. I must have loved them at some point, but in many ways, I’m ashamed to say, it was a relationship of convenience. Of cowardice.

We started spending time together near the end of high school, when I had a falling out with my friends. Suddenly, I was left with no one to each lunch with. No one to talk to in between periods.

Looking back, I was a very insecure teenager. I didn’t feel comfortable in my skin. I was self conscious of my acne, feeling sure that I would die every time a big one popped up uninvited.

I also was very preoccupied with finding and being in a relationship. I somehow was convinced that the worst thing in the world is to end up alone, so I spent all my time thinking about boys.

When my ex asked me if I wanted to go to lunch with them one day, I was grateful for the escape.

Anything to not feel the sheer stomach turning terror of having lunch alone.

Lunches turned into movies into afters chool hangouts at his parents’ house.

They were my first in many ways, and I can still remember the sheer pleasure I felt the first time they reached between my legs.

They spoiled me rotten. They doted on my every wish and made me feel special and wanted.

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Adulting in your 30s

Musings and self reflections of a 30 something who feels like an adult but a kid at the same time