On the edge of loneliness

A battle between my rational and anxious self

Adulting in your 30s


Recently, I spent 24/7 with my family for 16 full days. First, we traveled together on a ten day roadtrip, spending hours in the car together. Then, they stayed with me in my 49 square meter apartment. Snug, cozy, everyone is always slightly intruding on everyone, but deep down we are all relishing the few moments of physical closeness after being oceans away.

The last 16 days were action packed. Waterfalls, hikes, rain, hot springs, restaurants, super markets, cooking, bunkers, contemporary art, even a giant kite festival on an old airfield.

This morning, my family left to fly back to America.

Now, I’m stuck between the relief of privacy and peace — the joy of doing whatever a want, of not closing the bathroom door — and the creeping loneliness created by the silence.

Rationally, I am enjoying having my apartment to myself. It’s a load off my shoulders not worrying whether someone is bored or where I should take them next in the city.

Yet, the change is maybe too drastic. Instinctively, I crave human interaction, even though I know simply asking a random friend to meet up may not in fact feel fulfilling.

Do I want to be alone, or do I want company?

Am I lonely, or do I just need some time to adjust?

My anxious loneliness tell me to grab the first opportunity to socialize and go out.

My attempting-to-be-mature self says to wait on it. Feel the emotion in its entirety. Let the feeling pass. Then decide what I want to do.

Like an addict trying to go cold turkey, I made a list of things to do today. I’m on my second load of laundry. I worked out. But it’s only noon.

How long until this feeling passes?

Will I stay strong and keep the day to myself? Or will I give in and hide behind potentially superficial social interaction?

For the sake of being the mature adult that I am, I hope I hold out.



Adulting in your 30s

Musings and self reflections of a 30 something who feels like an adult but a kid at the same time