An apology to my ex
Sometimes I think of them, and I think, “fuck them.”
But actually, it’s not all their fault. As much as during the relationship I tried to paint myself as the emotionally mature one, I know I am no saint.
I know it’s impossible for it to all have been their fault.
I was codependent and didn’t know it
I made you responsible for my happiness. Sure, I can handle my own stress and regulate my emotions — but not when it comes to the time you chose not to spend with me and your mood during those times you did spend with me.
When we met, you were only working part time. Then, you got a full time job. Not a dream job, but definitely one you’re finally proud of.
Your job was a priority for you, but I didn’t get it, because to me, a job was just a means to an end. I didn’t usually stay late a work, therefore I didn’t appreciate when our evening time together got shorter and shorter. I felt hurt whenever you said you needed to work late.
I felt that you should be prioritizing me over work.
But that was your choice. It’s not up to me how you prioritize, and I could have been more supportive and understanding of what’s important to you.
Honestly, it wasn’t until I had to start working late for a few projects that I finally got it. Getting off work by 5 or 6PM is not normal. It would be ideal, but to hang my happiness on whether you could come see me by 6PM is codependent and selfish.
I started seeing my friends less, preferring time with you.
I should have kept my own life, rather than rearranged it around you. I should have been responsible for my own happiness.
Equally, I looked to your bright smile and cherriness to validate that things were okay between us. I was hypersensitive about your moods, feeling frustrated whenever you were moody.
I would spiral, feeling more and more desolate that things are off between us again. Seomtimes I cried silently next to you at night beacuse of how hopeless and sad I felt.
But you’re not responsible for my mood, just as I’m not responsible for yours.
Now I know.